My wife is extremely controlling, has a bad temper, and is overly sensitive. Saying that you are resentful about your marriage is not the statement of a man who never gets angry. Instead of expressing your anger directly to your wife, you expressed it passively or passive-aggressively by having an affair. The differences between us are how well we create situations for ourselves that allow us to satisfy those needs in positive ways. I expressed my feelings to her about not rushing things, but she ignored me and continued to finalize the plans. I have been married for 13 years. They are too afraid of rocking the boat, or of getting hurt. She is 3 years older than me, and so has always been at a different stage of life than I was.
I told her financially we were not yet ready for kids, but again she ignored my feelings and again I gave in to her. She begged and cried and I caved in and we got engaged, as I thought this would keep her happy for a while. As you grow as a person in this assertive regard, maybe your marriage can grow with you to become something that is more pleasant for you both. I am the exact opposite — I am laid-back, happy and never get angry. Assertion is the middle way between passivity and aggression. Still, I can see why from your perspective you would feel so very needy of positive attention and affection. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only. I felt I had to go thru with the wedding at that point because it seemed like there was no way out of it, but I fully expected it would only last about a year. Part of the problem now is that you are probably not very good at making your own wishes known. I have been married for 13 years. Passivity, on the ohter hand is capitulation to power. I was not sorry about the affair itself, but I was sorry for hurting my wife. Keeping the peace is very important to passive people, and they are willing to not own all kinds of feelings they may have which would cause problems for the general peace. The irony is, she has always had me under her thumb. My dilemma at this point is: She immediately started planning the wedding for the following year. The differences between us are how well we create situations for ourselves that allow us to satisfy those needs in positive ways. Financially, it is also impossible for me to leave right now, as I would have no way to rent an apartment While we are together I try hard to maintain a positive relationship with her for the benefit of the kids, but this too is hard as she is not an easy person to get along with. I then paid a visit to this person and began a physical affair. The nice thing about becoming more assertive is that you will perhaps learn how to deal with your wife in a more assertive way, and in so doing, perhaps be able to come feel better about yourself and about her. This has made the marriage an unhappy place for me, but I feel that because we have 3 children, I am trapped. Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. I realize that I should not have gone about things in this way, but I felt that finding someone who actually cared about me and was unselfish was the answer. My wife is not the sort of ex who would remain friends after the break-up — she has stated on many occasions that if we ever broke up, she would move away so that I would not be able to see my children again. This will allow you both hopefully to dialog and come to compromises that will work for both of you. Saying that you are resentful about your marriage is not the statement of a man who never gets angry.
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